The sleep saga continues... hopefully the worst is over

Last night I got brave and decided that I won't wait to implement teh controlled comforting, just do a slightly gentler version of it to help Maddy learn to sleep on her own without making her more afraid of me leaving her.

I read a couple of chapters out of a few of the books to get a broader knowledge and then had a think about my own situation since I wanted to tailor a routine to suit us rather than just follow the books and feel stuck to the rigid instructions. I realised that Madelyn's best sleep is usually the morning one, straight after her shower with Dad (if I can get her down and don't have anywhere to run off to with Austin) so I thought perhaps the water play is one of her sleep cues at present and I should work with it.

We have always showered the kids with us in the mornings - me with Austy and Andrew with Maddy (she's too heavy for me and I'm always scared I'll drop her with the soap and water). Most do baths in the evening and I know that is the "normal" way of doing things, but with Andrew at work in the evenings it's always a mad rush to get dinner on the table with tired children who need extra attention at that time, and to get them both changed into PJ's and read stories and into bed by their respective bed times so they aren't over tired. Austin especially needs to go to bed at 7:30 on the dot as his behaviour gets out of hand if he's up later, and he never sleeps in longer the next day so it has a flow on effect when he's late to bed. So a bath in the evening was just another thing to make me run around in a panic watching the clock. We also figured that after a whole night in the same nappy, a shower in the mornings cleans the nappy area, and it's easy - since we are having showers anyway the kids just play on the shower floor while we wash (being careful not to get soap or shampoo from us onto their faces).

But since I want Maddy's best sleep to be at night, not after her morning shower, I decided to give just her a bath in the evening. She's in nappies all day and all night so the nappy thing really isn't an issue like it is with Austin who only wears them at night and quite often soaks through it and gets his PJ top wet and needs a thorough wash. The only trick was to make it fit into what is already a rushed and busy time, and keep Austy happy at the same time. I can't bath her in the big bath or he'd want to hop in too and he takes a LOT of coaxing to get out knowing bed is not far away which often makes him late to bed with all the mucking around a night time bath causes. So I decided that she can have her bath in the laundry trough - it's a perfect size for her, and Austy can stand on his step and help. We did that last night - just a quick bath, a little play and then I got to give her a proper massage, something I used to do nightly for Austin as a baby but never have time to do for her as Austy is usually up to mischief at that time. Austy loved it as he got to play in her bath water while I massaged her and we sang songs together to make it even more relaxing for everyone. I kept the bath short so it didn't really add a lot of time into the night time routine, and hopefully I will still be able to keep it up when I am back at work and have to start dinner etc. a bit later. Austin was very pleased with the new routine and wanted to call Andrew straight away to tell him about it and how he's going to help me bath Maddy each night. It was really nice to see how much he enjoyed helping.

Then, after I let both kids pick a book and read them to both of them tucked into Austy's bed, I said goodnight to Austy and took Maddy out for her feed. I managed to get away with a quick 20min feed instead of the 1-2hr one she has been having, as I took her off the breast every time she stopped sucking and closed her eyes. My first step is to not let her fall asleep at the breast anymore! Then I popped her in her cot awake and the controlled comforting began, but I stayed with her for the first 5 minutes rather than just leaving her immediately and then didn't leave her crying longer than the 6 minute mark rather than letting it build up to 10mins. She was asleep within 45 minutes which was better than how long the breatsfeed to sleep has been taking but she had quite a protest and each time I went back to her she was clinging to the bars of her cot screaming "Mumumumum!" - quite heartbreaking to hear since I've never really left her to cry like that in her life.

I thought we'd had success since she was asleep so quickly but she woke every 40-60mins the whole night through. One to Maddy. None to Mum! The good thing was that the crying sessions got shorter as the night went on and for her morning nap today she was asleep in that first 5 minutes while I stayed in her room (hands on, patting or stroking while she cried, hands off when she was calm so she can learn to sleep without me patting her).

The other thing I have introduced is a snuggle toy - she has always had a little bear in her cot while she slept but since she's now going to be left in there awake more (I have always gone to her moments after she has awoken so there has been no danger in the past) I decided that the bear really isn't safe as it has beans that could come out if she bites it, and she has already chewed off half his nose! She likes to hold my thumb when she falls asleep on the breast so I am now switching the thumb for the bunny blankie's ear or paw. I think I might make her a few simple, washable, identical snuggle toys (quite soon so she doesn't get too attached to the bunny one that I can't replace so easily). With three identical toys, we can have one for the nappy bag to use in the car or pram when out, one for her cot, and one to rotate through the wash.

Hoping for a better night tonight.

It's time for sleep

You can never win. Every baby is different, and what works for one doesn't neccessarily work for another. I've learned that the hard way, and after having between 2 and 5 wake ups EVERY night with Madelyn since she was 5 months old, I think it's time for a change.

I am showing every sign of sleep deprivation, especially since she can take anywhere from 20mins to 3hrs to resettle at night. My body aches, I get dizzy spells, headaches, can't remember something I did five minutes ago let alone what on earth it was I was trying to say... getting stuck midsentence plenty of times. I don't like the person I am becoming, I don't like the way I talk to Andrew, I don't like the way I deal with Austy's temper tantrums on a particularly bad day when I am literally a walking zombie. My patience is wearing VERY thin (and when you've got two little ones patience is the most important thing in the world!), my body aches and I feel like the biggest failure of all. Many days I'm on the verge of tears, other days I hear myself yelling at Austin and cringe, especially as parents that take their frustrations out on their kids is something I really hate, and he is, afterall, only 3. There will be times when he does crazy things like bringing the hose inside and squirting water all over the floor. There will be times when he wants to pour his own milk and his own cereal and doesn't seem to understand what my issues are with the mess he creates. There will be times he wants to do things his own way. There is nothing wrong with him - perhaps he is a little more head strong than most and his clever little brain is always ticking away so he always knows exactly how to push my buttons and answer back. I just have to deal with it better. And believe me I try. We don't smack in this house, we TRY not to yell, and always apologise if we loose our cool, and practice positive parenting as much as possible. But on little sleep, those things take oh so much effort and it's very easy to let out frustrations with a short temper.

Even though I am usually the one to get up in the night, I sometimes lose sight of the fact Andrew is waking up too. It frustrates me when he complains of exhaustion when I have been up ten times the night before while he stayed warm in bed or when I let him sleep in after such a night and I deal with the kids on my own and Austy is being particularly challenging. I envy his time out - his 4hr golf sessions (or the whole weekend away a couple of times) when I have always had at least one of the children with me and hardly even get time to eat let alone have some relaxation time. I don't want to stop him having his time out - he is right, my time out is sewing and I get to do that when the kids are in bed at night (but often get interrupted with Madelyn's bad sleep habits), and his time out is golf. We promised when we got married that we'd make sure we kept our hobbies and not hold each other back. So what needs to change is sleep. We all need more.

With Austin we had a particularly good night sleeper but hardly a good nap during the day. He never slept anywhere but his own cot (not even the car on a rather harrowing trip to the snow and back when he was 18m old and slept all of 20mins for the whole 12hr drive!). He'd lose the plot quite easily in the daytime once he was overtired, and it wasn't until he was 6m old that I started to go with the flow a bit more and feed him when he wanted it (even if it was straight before a sleep) and stop with the rigid feed, play, sleep thing that had been drummed into me from books, advice givers, child and youth health nurses. I threw out the "no closer than 2hrly feeds" rule CYH had told me, and if he wanted a feed sooner, I gave it to him. He was a big baby and seemed to need the extra milk. As a result we got a happier baby who slept at least one good nap in the day and all night long.

So when we had Madelyn, I decided right from the start I would feed her whenever and however long she wanted. This worked fabulously for the first 5 months. She was the happiest baby I had ever known, never cried (except those early weeks with colic), and was very content and easy going which worked in so well with all the running around I had to do with Austy. She slept in the car, in the pram, in the baby carrier (and still does if she needs to when we are out) and slept for a miraculous 12hrs straight at night, from 8pm till 8am. What changed at 5m was that we had just got back from America, with us all feeling the heavy effects of jetlag, including her, and from then on she hasn't been clear of some illness or another (or teething) for longer than a week or two. She still fed to sleep as she always had done and I never thought feeding to sleep would be a problem for us as it was clear that she could resettle since she was sleeping so well at night before then. When Austin was this age, I'd feed him directly before bed, a half an hour rocking in the rocking chair by his cot and he'd finish the feed awake and I'd pop him into his cot and wouldn't hear a peep until morning. With Madelyn - she ALWAYS falls asleep during the feed and when I try to take her off before she falls asleep, the walls almost crumble with her screams.

They say the sleep cycle changes at 5m and separation anxiety comes in at around 8m which may be why for us, the issue has been getting progressively worse not better. We tried leaving her for 10mins before going to her, and when I go in at night I now try to sing, pat her chest or stroke her head back to sleep in the cot but she gets histerical and then I pick her up. I hold her and walk around for a bit but she struggles with all her might. I try to rock her in the chair but the screaming continues and I worry that she'll wake Austin too so I eventually give in and feed her. She's not really hungry, just looking for comfort, and after a quick 10 minute feed, and tiny little sucks, she's back to sleep in my arms. Or is she? I put her in the cot and the screaming starts all over again and we are right back where we started.

In the day time, she generally has two good naps of at least an hour long, but is fed to sleep for both of those too, in her room though rather than in front of the TV where I do her ultra-long feed for bed (I'd go crazy sitting in her room for up to two hours staring at the walls waiting for her to go to sleep at night). But there's another mistake - letting her fall asleep where I don't want her to spend her whole sleep. When she wakes up she is histerical and so hard to resettle.

Last night was one of those particularly bad ones. I have been dreading going to bed at night as it's the start of another torture session for me, so I have been staying up later than my body really can cope with. Then when I get into bed, I just can't settle down to sleep so I toss and turn until her next wake up, or worse, just nod off in time for her to wake me up. Last night the next wake up was at 1:28am (after I went to bed, far too late at 12:30am). I was still trying to resettle her at 3am having been in and out what seemed a hundred times. Now, remember this isn't just one bad night I am talking about, but several... for months... with no outlook of improvement and my return to work date fast approaching. At 3:30am I was back in bed but she was still screaming her little head off and I knew I had to go in there again as it was certainly not just a grizzle. I rolled over and in a plea for help sighed with an exghasperated voice to Andrew "What else can I try? I really DON'T know what else to do?". He said the wrong thing in reply. "You can turn the monitor off and let me get some sleep!" So in my sleep deprived, exhausted, frustrated state, as I threw back the covers and got out of bed I grabbed the @#%$% monitor and threw it at him (intended to hit the quilt in the bed next to him - not him) and then I stormed off to resettle the terrified and screaming baby.

See what I mean? Not a nice wife. Not a nice Mum. Not a nice person. It's time I did something about it.

So today after Austin's storytime and craft session at the library, I sat him at the computer to play his favourite "chicken game" I wandered over to the Family Information Zone (just a few metres away where I could still see Austy) and picked up 4 different books on baby sleeping in the hope that one of them would have something valuable to offer. Of course who has time to read though when you are so tired? I thought perhaps that I'd get some reading time during Madelyn's feeds today, but then I saw that one of the books had a DVD. So I went straight for that one. The book it came with was quite small, not a huge marathon reading session at all, and the DVD was fabulous at showing me how much crying is okay. The book and DVD set is called Time to Sleep by Maree Viotto for anyone out there with babies in similar situations who is interested.

I nearly skipped over the birth to 6m part since Madelyn is almost 10m now, but I thought it might have some insight for me and watched it too. I was surprised at how short the DVD was, and how easy it looked to follow. As Madelyn has been so upset by the fact I had left her crying for 10 minutes at night each time between comforting, I decided not to go straight to the "controlled comforting" the DVD suggests for her age, but try the settling techniques that I should have used in the first 6m. Remember this baby has always been fed to sleep and has no idea how to fall asleep on her own unless she's in the motion of a car, pram or baby carrier. I also know how distressed she gets when I leave the room so I knew I'd probably pack it in before it worked if I did the older baby techniques. I will quickly move onto the older baby techniques - just not sure I'm quite ready for that yet since I think she needs to know I will be there for her to get over her super clinginess of late.

I decided to get to work on it straight away since Austy was out of the house (and part of the reason I've fed her to sleep is that it's easier with another one to worry about, since I don't have the time to go back and forth in the day time when I'm also watching him, but lately the feed is taking far too long and poor Austin is left to stare at the TV, or get up to mischief only to be told off when it's my fault for not having time for him). Also I figured it would be easier during the day when I'm not trying to sleep too and I could put everything else aside for her. She was due for a feed though... so we had to do that first rather than going back to the whole feed,play, sleep thing the DVD recommends, that I used strictly with Austin. This time though, as soon as she stopped sucking strongly and started her little comfort sucks (allbeit closing her eyes and no doubt ready to nod off at any second) I took her off the breast, took her to her room and tried the settling techniques recommended for under 6m olds. I expected that she would scream for the whole 15mins as she was beside herself the moment I extracted the human dummy from her mouth! Surprise, surprise she was quiet within 8 mins and fell asleep by herself. Instead of her good two hour nap though that she normally has at this time of the day, she woke after 40 mins - exactly one sleep cycle just as the book said. So I went in and resettled - this time it took almost 15 minutes of her struggling and screaming but I persisted and she slept another 40 mins.

She is now happily playing in her playpen, something she hasn't done for a couple of weeks without grizzling and wanting to cling to me. I know this is just the beginning but I'm going to give it a good shot and see what happens. I decided to write it all down here, get it all off my chest and also have it to refer back to when things got tough to remind myself why I am doing this. Hopefully she is one to respond quickly to the change rather than one of those that can take up to a month - especially since I now have to switch her feed routine so that she feeds when she wakes and not when she sleeps. It's going to be a challenge but it needs to happen. Lets see how I go. Tonight is going to be a tough one!